On Sunday, I realized that I'd been out and about LA with friends for four nights in a row. By the time I came home on Sunday night I thought I'd be exhausted, but I was amped up after spending a great night out with friends. I wanted to watch Game of Thrones and see what everyone on my timeline was already tagging with SPOILER!
I guess I've always been a fairly social person. I enjoy going out and I love seeing my friends. But since my weight gain, I all but quit my socializing. It seemed like a bigger burden to go out because I knew I'd have to find something to wear and inevitably would get progressively more anxious about being seen in public. This weekend, however, it barely fazed me. I felt, dare I say, normal again. I spent a fairly average amount of time picking an outfit and putting on makeup before heading out of the house. No panic attacks even threatened to bubble up. I was...fine.
On Monday, I woke up ready to get back to my workout routine and decided I'd give one of the workout DVDs my new boss had loaned me a try. She suggested I start with the Tracy Anderson Method's pregnancy program because it was "slightly easier." Let me just say for the record, if that's slightly easier, I will not be ready for the real Tracy Anderson Method...maybe ever. The DVD was only 30 mins, but it kicked my ass. I was doing things with my muscles that they had never felt before. But oh, did I feel it later that day.
And as I sat in the backyard, waiting for my new charge to wake up from his nap, I realized how great these changes to my life are.
I felt serene. Entirely calm (although I guess some of that can be attributed to the baby's napping).
But honestly, it was the first time I felt comfortable with the amount of change going on in my life. The past few months have been overwhelming. My emotions have been going through extreme highs and extreme lows. I think mostly because change is really pretty terrifying. No one actually likes change. It's unsettling. Going into the great unknown. One change leads to another and sooner or later you look around and don't even recognize your life anymore. But, if someone told me my life was going to be the same in ten years from now I'd be even more petrified. Change is good. It's natural. And it's really fucking exciting.
Yesterday, as I finished my hour of cardio on the stationary bike, I was excited to find a package of clothes I'd ordered for myself from Modcloth. A few weeks ago I realized I'd returned two dresses last summer and never used my credit. So I got a few tops and a summer dress to supplement my wardrobe. For free (kind of). The clothes were all 2x, and I'd struggled with ordering them. But as soon as I tried them on, I couldn't have been happier. These were clothes that I wanted. That I was excited about. And I was thrilled to have more options every morning in my closet. Because there's nothing worse than having only three things that fit you and realizing all of them are in the hamper right before you have to be somewhere.
I wore my new shirt with pride to work, loving the way it made me feel. Pretty.
I can't lie and say that I woke up this morning feeling pretty again. Because I didn't. I woke up exhausted, having set my alarm earlier than usual to finish edits on a writing assignment before heading to the gym. I got grumpy at the gym because John (in his genius way) said I should just take the battery out of his HRM because he wasn't using it and mine still hadn't come. Only to find out the watch was still malfunctioning and I may have to drop another $65 to get a new one. I was annoyed by the June Gloom drizzles as I made my way to work and even more annoyed when the sun came out and I started to sweat under my long sleeves and pants. But that's not really what's important. What's important is that these small moments of clarity and happiness keep poking through. That the little changes I've made are starting to add up into something big. So big that I don't know who I'll be in another ten pounds lost, much less the next ninety of them.
But I can say that I am excited you are all here for this journey. Somehow it's a little less daunting with you all by my metaphorical side. So, thank you again to everyone for their incredible support. And as always, let's keep doing this.
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