DAYS 71-78

I have a confession: I'm not as positive as I try to be on here. Despite my best efforts, this week was actually extremely rough. It culminated in my ex moving out of the apartment, and despite it being the best for both of us, I let myself feel the sadness that was dying to break through for the past few weeks. Though I tried to keep a smile on my face and maintain my workout schedule (1 exercise DVD and two days hiking accomplished), there were days where I did little more than walk the dog and watch TV (unless crying counts as a full body workout, which...I'm inclined to believe it does). The truth is, sometimes it's incredibly hard to stay upbeat, especially in the wake of a major life change like a breakup. And sometimes you just need to take some time to wallow. So, I did.

This is my wallowing face.

That said, after a full day of wallowing yesterday (and today, honestly), I'm ready to get back to it. The month of July is completely open, and ready for me to take some positive action.

First on the list was to weigh myself, because I totally forgot to do it on Saturday with all my wallowing. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I passed the 15 lbs lost mark (barely, but still!).

Next was to get on top of my meal plan. Because I know I'm more likely to emotionally eat if I'm not prepared, I wanted to make sure everything was taken care of. The past few days I went "off book" more than once - I ordered a cheeseburger out with a friend who was in town one night and got soda at the movies the next. Obviously it wasn't the best, but I'm not beating myself up about it either. The cycle of guilt I used to be so familiar with only produces more guilt and more eating unhealthy foods. Instead, I've crafted a brand new plan which focuses on clean whole foods, heavy in protein and produce. My days now consist of three meals and two snacks that add up to approx. 1500 calories. A few people have asked what that looks like, so I decided I would share a sample day from my meal plan.

DAY 1
Breakfast (305 cals). 7 mini chicken apple sausages, 1/4 avocado, 3 egg whites, and 1/2 pink grapefruit.

Snack #1 (100 cals). Handful of raw almonds.

Lunch (305 cals). 1 multigrain wrap/flatbread, 4 oz low sodium turkey, 2 tbs hummus, drizzle of balsamic vinegar, and 1 persian cucumber.

Snack #2 (180 cals). 6 oz. plain nonfat greek yogurt, and a banana.

Dinner (450 cals). 6 oz. baked chicken breast, mixed green veggies (brussels sprouts, kale, and broccoli) with maple tahini dressing and toasted nuts.

Dessert (150 cals). 2 cups strawberries.

All in all, it comes out to about 40% proteins, 30% carbs, and 30% fats. And it's all super delicious! I'm extremely excited to try my new vegetable recipes (thanks to many of you who sent me your faves).

After getting my food situation sorted, I knew I needed to figure out something new with my exercise plan. While I adore hiking, the summer weather hit me like a scorching ball of sweat soaked exhaustion last week. I thought hiking was going to be my go to plan because I've lost my passion for going to the gym and lifting weights. It's something I've always had a knack for, and lifting makes me feel strong and powerful. However, in the past year and a half, it's become something my ex and I did together. And attempting to go to the gym without him has proven more challenging than I originally anticipated.

So today, instead of going to the gym, bought myself a subscription to ClassPass. ClassPass is amazing, and I've always wanted to do it. But it's fairly expensive - one monthly fee to go to as many exercise classes from a (very lengthy) list of local studios. While I was working it seemed like I'd only utilize the classes during the weekends, which didn't really seem worth it, but now with my schedule completely open and nothing to do but hang out in my empty apartment, it seemed like a really good idea to book four classes a week and at least have appointments booked. As I browsed the site, I realized how many classes I'd wanted to try out, too. Cardio Barre, CycleHouse, CorePower Yoga, Pilates, Ballet Beautiful...the list goes on. I spent the afternoon figuring out which classes I wanted to try first and booking them. I'm excited to try so many new workouts, and possibly meet new people in classes.

I'm also terrified. I've made a lot of changes in my life extremely quickly, and it feels like a bit of a whirlwind. I'm incredibly thankful for all the support I've received and honestly don't know if I could do this without all of you. Because of your feedback I'm more motivated than ever to continue, and I'm inspired by the way my own journey has motivated all of you. As always, let's keep doing this!

DAYS 63-70

As I sit in front of my computer, I wonder how I let another week go by without venting my feelings somewhere. I know that one of my biggest flaws is ignoring my problems and hoping they'll somehow disappear if I don't shine a light on them, but you'd think after saying the exact same thing a week ago, I would have at least put in a concerted effort to focus on tackling some of my problems head on and discussing them here.

Unfortunately, I didn't.

This week didn't feel like a success. I felt bad about my appearance more days than not, I compared myself to others who have gone way further in their journey than me, I slept poorly, and I let my anxiety get out of hand. On top of that, I found myself out of a job again, searching for a new place to live, a new roommate, and a temporary source of income until Faking It returns in August. I felt lost and hopeless and wanted to cover my head and cry until the week ended. But I remembered my lame attempts at exercising from the prior week and was determined on pushing myself back into my exercise schedule. Just to get me out of the apartment and doing something, if nothing else.

I'm proud to say that I worked out four times last week. Though my original work out goal was to exercise five times a week, I found that I was far too tired and sore to put in as much effort into my workouts on that schedule, so I reduced it to four. Weight training twice a week and cardio twice a week. On Monday, I pushed myself in my leg workout, doing squats and deadlifts with an increased weight of 65lbs (up from 45). I incorporated wall sits and finished off with an ab work out that I felt for the rest of the week. Tuesday I did my standard hour of cardio (I've been really into the stationary bicycle recently). Wednesday was my day off. Thursday was upper body and abs at the gym again, and then Friday I rounded out my week with a relatively easy hike at Fryman Canyon with the puppy and my friend Maddy (check out this view!)

My hiking time with Maddy was something that I desperately needed and was insanely grateful for. She and her boyfriend are somewhat responsible for bringing together me and my ex, and it was nice to be able to have her love and support in everything. In fact, we had so much to talk about that after our hike, we were still not done catching up, so we went to Lemonade for lunch (an LA based health food chain). We talked about how much we loved eating there because of the amazing selection of vegetables in different fun flavor profiles. And though vegetables are obviously a large part of my meal plan, after eating 3/4 plate of delicious veggies, I resolved to cook more vegetables in more ways. If anyone has any favorite vegetable side recipes, I would absolutely love them!

As I embark upon the new month, I've decided to create some new health goals for myself. Mostly because I have nothing but time at the moment, and I need to figure out how to stay on track with too much time for my mind to wander.

• First, I'm going to be redoing my meal plan. After two months on my sister's, I'm ready for some new recipes! My new meal plan will be focused on incorporating more vegetables (as I said earlier), and eating more cleanly. This means whole foods and nothing with ingredients I can't pronounce.

• Second, I'm going to start trying out new workouts at least once a week. I enjoy going to the gym and weight lifting, but it's begun to feel like a chore and not something exciting. I want to try classes (see what BodyPump or pilates is all about). As soon as I hit my 20lb goal, I'm going to sign up for dance classes. Something I miss immensely. 

• Third, I'm going to follow through on weighing myself every Saturday, no matter what. I don't care how long it takes for the number to keep going down, I just want to write it down and record it each week. The same goes for taking monthly pictures. The 14th of every month, there will be a picture.

• Fourth, I'm going to clean out my closet. It's stuffed to the gils with clothes that neither fit me, nor are in style anymore. I have clothes from college and right after college. And even when I start fitting into them again, I shouldn't be wearing them! I'm going to be 28 this October, not 22. Plus, if I'm going to be moving soon (which, I am, I can't afford to stay in my apartment without another person and I don't know anyone who wants to share my 1BR with me), why would I want to travel with excess weight? Be gone, old clothes.

• Last, but certainly not least, I'm going to start having more fun. I'm going to smile more often. I'm going to make delicious new healthy recipes. I'm going to dance around my apartment. I'm going to love my workouts. I'm going to catch up on TV seasons I've been meaning to watch. I'm going to wear cute outfits. I'm going to do my hair. I'm going love myself more.

I know this is all up to me, and I know I can do it, no matter what mental road blocks obstruct the way. As always, let's keep doing this.

DAYS 54-62

I have written and rewritten this post so many times over the past week, but seeing as it's now over a week from my last post, I decided it was time to do it. I have a bad habit of shutting down and avoiding problems when I don't want to deal with them. You'd think I'd have learned to be better about it by now, but I'm not. When I started this, I promised full transparency regarding my eating and exercise habits, but I didn't anticipate that it would also force me to be honest with my emotions. But today marks 2 months on this journey, and I knew I had to write something. Anything. So, here it is.

After coming home from an amazing trip in San Fransisco (two days of which I didn't even write about but will summarize by saying I wish I could go back immediately), I was forced to deal with a major life change: the end of my year and a half long relationship with my live in boyfriend. I'm not going to discuss the why or the how because that's not really relevant to anything, and as much as I'd love to air my feelings out through my writing, that's not particularly fair to the other party involved. But what I will admit is how hard it's been.

Our fitness schedules had been synched up, and to realize that it might not be the best idea to continue going to the gym together gave me an excuse not to stick to my exercise plan. On Monday I did a medium intensity cardio session on the stationary bike in my apartment complex gym (aka, three machines in the basement). On Tuesday it rained and I gave myself the day off. Wednesday I forced myself to do the hike I'd originally planned for the day before, and after being bed bound with food poisoning on Thursday, I allowed myself to take the rest of the week off.

Deep inside, I knew my excuses weren't super valid. On Tuesday instead of my hike I could have easily gone to the gym instead. And instead of hanging out at home like a lump on a log or trying to distract myself, I could have put my frustration and energy into my work outs. But I didn't. Instead, I hid. This was also made more difficult by a slight change in my work schedule. While I was in San Fransisco, the woman I was working for underwent some medical emergency and told me she needed to hire an RN for full time care, only to come back four days later and ask if I could work full time again. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was a sign, and maybe I was meant to focus on my health this summer right before she asked for me back, and it felt a bit like whiplash. With my emotions already all over the place, I wished for consistency, so I said yes to full time again. But now I'm having my original doubts all over again. Will I have enough time to exercise? What about food prep?

I will say that I have remained on my food plan this week. With one notable exception. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I stayed within my calorie count, I didn't overindulge in sad breakup food. The most I did was to order Thai food on Wednesday night (not even an unhealthy curry or noodle dish...), and of course was struck down by food poisoning for all of Thursday.

On Friday I finally forced myself to get out of the apartment. After four days of sitting at home and sulking, I was ready to see the light of day. But as soon as I was out, I found myself plagued by anxiety. Then the though of returning home doubled that anxiety. The truth is, my motivation has had to take a backseat to some bigger things this week. It's been rough. I haven't weighed myself, I haven't come up with a new exercise plan. Nothing. I should have been so excited this week, coming up on the second month of this journey, but I had other things on my mind. Things like finding a new apartment, looking for a roommate, finding alternative ways to make money, and figuring out how to share my living space with my ex until we can find other places to stay. Big things.

I know it sounded like I've fallen off the train, but I haven't. I swear I haven't fallen off of the train. I'm merely waiting at the platform, hoping to catch the next one (terrible metaphor but I'm running low on brain capacity). Because my health is so important to me, and I don't want this journey to take a back seat. It can't. I just have to figure out how to make the brain space for all of it. And I know I can.

As always, let's keep doing this.

DAY 53: SAN FRANCISCO

What is it about being in a new place that just makes you want to try every restaurant you pass by? I know that some of it has to be the fear of missing out on something you may not try again, but it almost feels like a compulsion, a need to try new foods.

Yesterday was a lot about food. And since it was a lot about food, we decided to also make it a lot about exercise. Walking, to be specific. We set our sights on two different parks to enjoy, with restaurants in between. We started off at a local cafe so V could finish her work in the morning. I enjoyed scrambled eggs (with yolks!) and a bowl of fruit. Sadly, the toast got kicked to the curb, which was totally fine.

Energized and work finished, we headed to our first destination - Golden Gate Park, which is over a thousand acres of sprawling wildlife, gardens, and museums (to put it in perspective it's about 20% larger than Central Park). We went with no real plan, other than to stop at a local Burmese restaurant for lunch on the north side of the park. V had been told we HAD to have it, so we made it a priority. The park was gorgeous.

As we walked, V asked me about my fitness journey so far. We talked quite a bit, but I was stuck on one of her questions as we continued on: How long was I going to keep blogging? I thought about it. I wasn't really sure. A year? Until I hit my goal weight? She pointed out that I didn't have a goal weight, and I laughed. She was right, yes. No true goal weight had been set. But I went into this having gained 100 lbs, and I think somewhere in the back of my mind that's where I imagined myself going. Did I think I was actually going to lose 100 lbs? I honestly didn't know. I could lose 70 lbs and decide that I'm fine. With the muscle I'm building from all my weight training, the actual composition of my body is changing so drastically, I'm not sure what it'll look like or feel like when those extra fatty pounds are gone. I admitted that I felt I'd just know when it was time to stop. She agreed.

Somewhere in our rambling, V decided that we should walk to the beach on the far side of the park. She had come all the way from NYC and wanted to dip her toe into the Pacific! I figured why not? Except half way there we realized it was about a seven mile walk through the park to the beach. But, we were already committed, and so we did it. 

Our impromptu beach visit had delayed us a little bit, though, and by the time we headed back towards the restaurant, it was already 4:30. The restaurant opened at 5, so we hung out in the car and listened to some music before preparing ourselves for the life changing Tea Leaf Salad we'd been recommended. I wish I had a picture of it because it was so beautiful, but we were so hungry by the time we sat down to eat that I totally forgot about it. It was delicious though. An array of textures came together for one perfect bite - peanuts, toasted garlic, sesame seeds, jalapeños, romaine, tomatoes, and topped with fermented tea leaves. It sounds crazy, but it was definitely worth the stop. We also decided to get some Burmese style vegetable curry and some coconut chicken noodles. We were in and out of there in about 40 minutes, and we were both totally stuffed.

After, we contemplated heading home and getting ready for our evening (even though we didn't know what that would entail), but we had made plans to go see the redwoods at Muir Woods, and we wanted to follow through. I'm incredibly grateful that we did. It was as if we were able to wander around an enchanted forrest, filled with magical beings lurking in the hollows of the gigantic trees.

I never wanted to leave. But sadly I'd forgotten my sweater at home, and my arms were starting to freeze off. We headed back home, enjoying driving through the thick fog. It added to our magical day.

By the time we got home, though, we were WIPED. I mean...we'd walked a bajillion miles and had started our day pretty damn early. So, instead of making a big deal about dinner (plus, it was like 9:30 anyway), we grabbed some tacos as a local recommended taqueria (we're staying in the Mission, and that is THE thing). 

At the end of the night, I was curious to see how many steps we'd actually walked and was not shocked to see a giant number staring back at me.

I'm so glad I've been able to utilize the city for my fitness needs. Regardless of not stepping into a gym since Wednesday, I don't feel like I've compromised any of my goals. I've been able to enjoy the food I want to try without indulging too much, plus I've maintained my activity level throughout. Halfway through my SF trip, and I think I can already say it's been a success. Being in LA, I don't have the opportunity to walk around this much, so I'm excited for two more days in SF. Come on, y'all. Let's keep doing this.

DAY 52: SAN FRANCISCO BOUND

A few months ago, my best friend and I realized we hadn't seen each other in a year and a half - at our friend's wedding, for one night. These are the hazards of moving across the country, I guess. Our friendships, even the one we hold dearest, start to become just a few texts and calls and likes on Instagram photos. So, when she told me she was going to be up in San Francisco for business for a few days in June, I told her I'd be there. At the time, I had no idea where my life was headed. I had no clue the new trajectory my whole being would be struggling with, and it didn't really hit me until I left yesterday that this trip probably wasn't what either of us had originally pictured. That didn't mean that we weren't going to enjoy every second, though.

Me and V reunited. Second time in two months!

After learning how to road trip pretty early on in this journey (what was Santa Cruz...Day 2?), I prepared myself for the six hour drive up north with plenty of healthy snacks (apples, strawberries, almonds), grabbed my favorite Starbucks treat (Skinny Hazelnut Latte and an egg white spinach wrap) and hit the road. 

It was the first time I've been alone with my thoughts for that long since starting this journey, and it was a little more intense than I originally anticipated. When I get too emotional or things get hard, I reach for a security blanket. I think we all have them - whether it's a good book, a bottle of wine, a casual fling, etc. For me it's music. Those who met me after college might not even know how important music is to me, to my healing process. But my life dream used to be a different kind of writer - of the singer/songwriter variety. 

At age 11, my dad took me to a recording studio to lay down one of my songs (a lullaby I'd written for my baby cousins). Growing up in a music industry family, I was discouraged from pursuing a career in music from day 1. After recording my song, the sound technician told me how impressed he was with me. He couldn't believe I was only 11. He asked if I had other songs, and I showed him a notebook filled with lyrics. He asked if I wanted to record anything else, but my dad shut it down immediately. In the car ride back to our hotel, I was riding high - I mean, what I'd done was pretty freaking cool, for someone of any age, much less 11. I asked my dad if we could listen to the CD in the car, and he obliged. I was SO proud of myself. That was MY SONG. And as it played through the car speakers I could almost believe I was listening to myself on the radio. My high crashed quickly after my dad chimed in. "It's great, Charlotte. You have a really pretty voice. But...in order to make it in the industry you have to have a pretty face AND a pretty voice." I was devastated, but internally I agreed with him. Britney Spears had just released her first album (at 17), and I certainly didn't look like her. It was the age of the pretty blonde pop star, and I couldn't shoehorn myself into that category as much as I wanted to. At 11, I absorbed this information and took it as the truth because I had to. Not to mention it was compounded by another decade of my dad telling me - "You'd be so pretty if you just lost a little weight." 

And though I cut my dad out of my life two years ago, sometimes his voice creeps into my head. On Monday, the day that I "felt pretty," I heard his voice questioning me. And it only got louder during the six hour drive up to San Francisco. So, I put in my latest obsession (Ed Sheeran's X) and drowned out the thoughts with his music. I listened to the album five times, listening to his lyrics and chord progressions, and became profoundly more moved each time around. This was what I missed. This was the kind of music I wanted to write. About being a sap and a nerd and being confused and hurt and in love. I made a resolution: 50 lbs into this thing, I want to get a keyboard and start writing again. Because as therapeutic as writing this quasi-diary has been, I think it'll be even more so to have a soundtrack that goes along with this journey.

By the time I arrived in San Francisco, I was feeling more motivated than I ever had, ready to tackle the next few days with my bestie by my side. After a quick rest (because, man, driving six hours is exhausting any way you cut it), we headed out to dinner to an Asian fusion restaurant. I'd already looked up the menu and knew there were a few salad options that sounded really good, and was not disappointed. Over dinner, we discussed our plan for the next few days. V had just come from Chicago where she'd gorged on not the healthiest foods, so she was game for some healthy days. My fortune agreed.

(or at all)

After finishing our food, we decided that we wanted to walk around the city, mostly to get more steps in (before leaving the airbnb I'd clocked less than 1k steps for the day). We headed to Delores Park and caught up on life. The view was pretty neat. And before we knew it, we were being kicked out of the park (apparently they close, who knew?)

By the time we got home, I'd clocked over 11k steps for the day. Which made me feel pretty good, seeing as I hadn't anticipated working out at all. That's definitely a huge plus to San Francisco, though. The walking. Mostly uphill. Exhausted, I promptly passed out, chord progressions starting to swirl through my head. 

Though the next few days aren't entirely planned out, I look forward to sharing whatever comes up. And making new goals. And writing new songs. Thank you for being part of this adventure. And as always, let's keep doing this.

DAYS 48-51

The past few days have been interesting. Not particularly good interesting or bad interesting one way or another. But, I'm noticing the way I'm changing more and more. 

On Sunday, I realized that I'd been out and about LA with friends for four nights in a row. By the time I came home on Sunday night I thought I'd be exhausted, but I was amped up after spending a great night out with friends. I wanted to watch Game of Thrones and see what everyone on my timeline was already tagging with SPOILER! 

I guess I've always been a fairly social person. I enjoy going out and I love seeing my friends. But since my weight gain, I all but quit my socializing. It seemed like a bigger burden to go out because I knew I'd have to find something to wear and inevitably would get progressively more anxious about being seen in public. This weekend, however, it barely fazed me. I felt, dare I say, normal again. I spent a fairly average amount of time picking an outfit and putting on makeup before heading out of the house. No panic attacks even threatened to bubble up. I was...fine. 

On Monday, I woke up ready to get back to my workout routine and decided I'd give one of the workout DVDs my new boss had loaned me a try. She suggested I start with the Tracy Anderson Method's pregnancy program because it was "slightly easier." Let me just say for the record, if that's slightly easier, I will not be ready for the real Tracy Anderson Method...maybe ever. The DVD was only 30 mins, but it kicked my ass. I was doing things with my muscles that they had never felt before. But oh, did I feel it later that day. 

And as I sat in the backyard, waiting for my new charge to wake up from his nap, I realized how great these changes to my life are. 

I felt serene. Entirely calm (although I guess some of that can be attributed to the baby's napping). 

But honestly, it was the first time I felt comfortable with the amount of change going on in my life. The past few months have been overwhelming. My emotions have been going through extreme highs and extreme lows. I think mostly because change is really pretty terrifying. No one actually likes change. It's unsettling. Going into the great unknown. One change leads to another and sooner or later you look around and don't even recognize your life anymore. But, if someone told me my life was going to be the same in ten years from now I'd be even more petrified. Change is good. It's natural. And it's really fucking exciting. 

Yesterday, as I finished my hour of cardio on the stationary bike, I was excited to find a package of clothes I'd ordered for myself from Modcloth. A few weeks ago I realized I'd returned two dresses last summer and never used my credit. So I got a few tops and a summer dress to supplement my wardrobe. For free (kind of). The clothes were all 2x, and I'd struggled with ordering them. But as soon as I tried them on, I couldn't have been happier. These were clothes that I wanted. That I was excited about. And I was thrilled to have more options every morning in my closet. Because there's nothing worse than having only three things that fit you and realizing all of them are in the hamper right before you have to be somewhere. 

I wore my new shirt with pride to work, loving the way it made me feel. Pretty. 

I can't lie and say that I woke up this morning feeling pretty again. Because I didn't. I woke up exhausted, having set my alarm earlier than usual to finish edits on a writing assignment before heading to the gym. I got grumpy at the gym because John (in his genius way) said I should just take the battery out of his HRM because he wasn't using it and mine still hadn't come. Only to find out the watch was still malfunctioning and I may have to drop another $65 to get a new one. I was annoyed by the June Gloom drizzles as I made my way to work and even more annoyed when the sun came out and I started to sweat under my long sleeves and pants. But that's not really what's important. What's important is that these small moments of clarity and happiness keep poking through. That the little changes I've made are starting to add up into something big. So big that I don't know who I'll be in another ten pounds lost, much less the next ninety of them. 

But I can say that I am excited you are all here for this journey. Somehow it's a little less daunting with you all by my metaphorical side. So, thank you again to everyone for their incredible support. And as always, let's keep doing this.