IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR...

This year has been weird. Most of you have been on this ride with me, seeing how it's twisted and turned and suddenly zigged and zagged unexpectedly. It left me feeling run down and ragged just thinking about it.

I've failed a lot this year. I've been challenged on numerous occasions and let those challenges get the best of me a fair amount of times. My sober December lasted about three weeks before I threw in the towel and drank at friends' holiday parties. I took a week off from running and found that getting back into it was even harder than starting the first time. My job ended, and it's left me wondering what to do next.

But, I started this journey for a reason. And that reason hasn't changed. So I'm entering 2016 with a new gym, a new plan, and a new attitude.

(and new workout clothes, thanks V!)

I've decided to leave behind a lot in the year 2015. People I'd rather not be friends with, a crappy relationship, emotional eating, and a diminished sense of self worth. But as I finished up my last work out of the year this afternoon, I realized there was a lot of good in 2015 too. And just because I'm not where I set out to be doesn't lessen those successes. My biggest success has been not giving up. Not matter what this year has thrown at me, I've come back to this journey.

2016 is going to be full of more life changes. Not only with my physical health, but with my emotional wellness. After being unenthused with my gym, I decided to switch things up in the new year and go to a smaller/cleaner/more female friendly gym. As part of my membership they offered a consultation with a personal trainer, which I'm always pretty skeptical about. I've had plenty of trainers (all of whom were great in their own ways) try and work with me, but I've never had any of them really get through to me. Until today. Every single person I've come across in my fitness journey has told me what a struggle it is. How hard it's going to be, but how much it's going to be worth it. The trainer today, after listening to my long story about my relationship with food/exercise/weight, told me this - "It's going to be so easy. It's going to be the easiest thing you've ever done." I laughed at him. How could he possibly think this was going to be easy? Had he not just heard that I had 100 lbs to lose, and I'd lost merely 10 lbs in the seven months since I started? And then he told me his own journey (which was pretty damn similar to mine). He told me that I had all the pieces, that I just needed to put them together and figure out how to make me feel better about doing so. That rehabbing my self esteem and dysmorphia would be his primary goal, and that everything else would come easily. Maybe I'm riding off his optimism, and maybe it'll all come crashing down. But for right now, I'm choosing to believe him. That this will be easy. That I will accomplish my goals, and that somewhere along the way I'll become a better me. A me that I like more.

Here's a list of my goals for 2016 (in no particular order).

1. Work out three times a week.
2. Visit my family more often.
3. Be at my goal weight by Alex's wedding.
    3a. Be the best bridesmaid ever.
    3b. Take more pride in my appearance, regardless of reaching my goal weight.
4. Stretch every day.
5. Make deadlines. Stick to them. Get shit done.
    5a. Strive for losing 2 lbs a week.
    5b. Write a new pilot by March.
6. Make healthy substitutions for unhealthy foods.
7. But still enjoy delicious foods, no matter their nutritional value.
8. Meal prep/plan!
9. Hike Griffith Park.
10. Sing more.
11. Take a dance class.
12. Fix my sleep schedule.
13. Spend time away from my phone.
14. Become financially stable. Get a second job if you have to. Start saving.
15. Go on more adventures.
16. Don't let opportunities pass me by.
17. Be selfish in my decisions.
18. Play fetch with Rory more. She loves it so much.
19. Love myself more.
20. Catch up on Homeland.
21. Take more pictures of myself.
    21a. Smile in pictures.
    21b. Don't be afraid of a full body shot.
    21c. Show off those OOTDs!
22. Sell my novel (or at least get representation for it).
23. Stay positive.
24. Be employed more of the year than unemployed.
25. Ask for help when you need it.
26. Make my bed every morning.
27. Eat more vegetables.
28. Fight the patriarchy.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new year. I'm well on my way to a new life. Wishing all of you an happy and healthy new year, and thank you again for reading/messaging/supporting/loving/sharing/etc. As always...let's keep doing this.