RUNNING

Today I did something I've been wanting to do for a really long time, but never thought I'd be able to. I went for a run.

Well, kind of.

At my current weight (well, at any weight honestly), running is pretty damn hard. It's a full body activity that requires a lot of stamina and endurance. Neither of which I have. Soooo...I signed up for a program called Couch to 5K, which does exactly what it sounds like. It takes a non runner (who spends a whole lot of time on the couch) and trains them in small increments until they're able to run a 5k (just over three miles).

I downloaded the app a few weeks ago, but tonight was the first night I really went for it. After being sidelined for the weekend with a knock out cold, I was feeling restless and excited about doing something challenging. The other night, I was telling my friend about how I wanted to start it, but I was nervous and feeling slightly unable, when miraculously, someone overheard us (we were in the women's bathroom at a birthday party) and chimed in that she had started the program a year ago and had just signed up for her first half marathon. She said both she and her friend had done it together, and her friend had lost 117 lbs and counting. I took that as a sign. That out of all people to chime also be using the bathroom at that particular moment, this girl knew someone who'd lost over 100 lbs doing the program I was contemplating doing.

So, tonight, after being a chicken all day and putting it off until the sun was setting - I went to the Silverlake Loop I walk almost every day, constantly admiring the super in shape runners, and...I pressed go on my app. It was remarkably more doable than I thought it would be. Jogging for one minute, then walking for a minute and a half. On and off for 30 mins. There was never a point I thought I couldn't make it anymore. In fact, the only thing that really slowed me down was Rory. Turns out she's not much of a runner (and she's now exhausted...look at this tired puppy).

Mom, I can't believe you thought I could run.
I hate you. Let me sleep forever now.

But beside Rory's glacial pace (to be fair she does have incredibly stubby legs), I found myself feeling invigorated. Turns out...I really really like running. I say this now, on my first day, I know. But. Part of me was prepared to try it out, hate it, and give it up immediately. And I'm relieved and grateful that it's something I want to continue with. And not just because at the end of each work out it gives me a congratulations screen with a trophy (although it's pretty awesome).

This is my first post-run face. Isn't it pretty?

In all seriousness. I'm excited to see where this goes. Finding a new activity I enjoy has seemed fruitless since I stopped going to the gym, and maybe I'm just filled with endorphins and on a running high, but...I'm hopeful that one day I'll be running the entire loop comfortably with all the other runners and feeling like I belong.

Happy Monday, y'all. And let's keep doing this.

DAY IDK AND NOT KEEP TRACK ANYMORE (AND NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING)

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. It seems like a strange day to jump back into healthy eating (especially considering Seth Cohen is pretty much my Thanksgiving twin):

But...I'm back to drop some much needed realness on myself. Because I can't avoid taking care of myself any longer.

It's been just over three months since I last checked in, and I'm feeling pretty bad about it. I just reread my last post, which was so filled with energy and excitement, and I'm sad to admit that didn't really translate to how the last few months played out. It seems that work and exercise couldn't really co-exist for me, and I put all my energy into making myself the best employee and writer I could possibly be instead of splitting the difference. My job ended last week, and the first thing I did was weigh myself to see how much I'd lost progress.

In my time away from working out, I gained back 5 lbs. Bringing myself back to a whopping...

Honestly, it could be worse. I'm still 10 lbs down from where I started. But my head isn't even close to where it should be. Yesterday, I received an invitation to join my dad for Thanksgiving. For those of you who don't know, I haven't spoken to my dad in two and a half years. I don't even call him my dad, and typing it now feels unnatural.

We've always had a bit of a tenuous relationship, mostly because he can't stop himself from commenting on my weight at all times, but things came to a head when he sent me an email saying that he was so glad he'd seen me (we ran into each other on the streets of Santa Monica), but he was horrified by how much weight I'd gained. At that time, I'd gained about 30 lbs from my lowest weight. He said I'd never go anywhere or make anything of myself if I didn't lose weight. That was the reason I hadn't been promoted or been staffed. Because the way I looked was holding me back from professional opportunities. I was crushed. I knew I'd gained weight. I was going through some serious emotional things, and had eaten my weight and then some in Bossa Nova pasta and garlic bread, and was finally getting to a place where I was able to start thinking about losing that weight. But that email changed things. Even though he had NO idea what was going on in my life, he tapped into something I really felt to be true about myself. That I was destined to be fat and to be a failure, and that somehow those two things were correlated.

Fast forward to yesterday when I received that Thanksgiving invite, my first thought was, I can't go to that because I can't let my dad see me like this. That he was right.

But the truth is...he couldn't be further from right. He is wrong wrong WRONG. And I think on some level, I've resisted losing weight and 100% taking care of myself because I don't want him to win. There's a tiny part of my brain that feels like with every pound I lose, I'm feeding into his ridiculous notion that I can't be both overweight and successful. But that is his truth. And not mine.

On my last day of work, my boss congratulated me on bringing my A+ game to work this season and offered me a pretty stellar opportunity should we get picked up for another (so everyone who isn't watching Faking It on MTV, you should be and it's all on Hulu so watch it, tweet about it, and all that jazz). And I did all that at my current weight that I abhor so deeply. So, take that, Jim Lewis.

And, in the spirit of Thanksgiving... I am thankful for my body. At any weight. And I'm thankful for everyone's support with my continued journey. I'm taking it back. Because I have a lot more that I need to do, and I can't do it if I'm constantly at war with my body. This will be the last time I weigh myself. Because it can't be about that anymore. My goals are now going to be not weight related, but about truly taking care of myself. About eating well and moving around and getting my heart rate up and feeling the same excitement I felt three months ago. And I'm thankful for my renewed motivation.

Soooo, Happy Thanksgiving!!! From this happy home to yours.As always, let's keep doing this.