But...I'm back to drop some much needed realness on myself. Because I can't avoid taking care of myself any longer.
It's been just over three months since I last checked in, and I'm feeling pretty bad about it. I just reread my last post, which was so filled with energy and excitement, and I'm sad to admit that didn't really translate to how the last few months played out. It seems that work and exercise couldn't really co-exist for me, and I put all my energy into making myself the best employee and writer I could possibly be instead of splitting the difference. My job ended last week, and the first thing I did was weigh myself to see how much I'd lost progress.
In my time away from working out, I gained back 5 lbs. Bringing myself back to a whopping...
Honestly, it could be worse. I'm still 10 lbs down from where I started. But my head isn't even close to where it should be. Yesterday, I received an invitation to join my dad for Thanksgiving. For those of you who don't know, I haven't spoken to my dad in two and a half years. I don't even call him my dad, and typing it now feels unnatural.
We've always had a bit of a tenuous relationship, mostly because he can't stop himself from commenting on my weight at all times, but things came to a head when he sent me an email saying that he was so glad he'd seen me (we ran into each other on the streets of Santa Monica), but he was horrified by how much weight I'd gained. At that time, I'd gained about 30 lbs from my lowest weight. He said I'd never go anywhere or make anything of myself if I didn't lose weight. That was the reason I hadn't been promoted or been staffed. Because the way I looked was holding me back from professional opportunities. I was crushed. I knew I'd gained weight. I was going through some serious emotional things, and had eaten my weight and then some in Bossa Nova pasta and garlic bread, and was finally getting to a place where I was able to start thinking about losing that weight. But that email changed things. Even though he had NO idea what was going on in my life, he tapped into something I really felt to be true about myself. That I was destined to be fat and to be a failure, and that somehow those two things were correlated.
Fast forward to yesterday when I received that Thanksgiving invite, my first thought was, I can't go to that because I can't let my dad see me like this. That he was right.
But the truth is...he couldn't be further from right. He is wrong wrong WRONG. And I think on some level, I've resisted losing weight and 100% taking care of myself because I don't want him to win. There's a tiny part of my brain that feels like with every pound I lose, I'm feeding into his ridiculous notion that I can't be both overweight and successful. But that is his truth. And not mine.
On my last day of work, my boss congratulated me on bringing my A+ game to work this season and offered me a pretty stellar opportunity should we get picked up for another (so everyone who isn't watching Faking It on MTV, you should be and it's all on Hulu so watch it, tweet about it, and all that jazz). And I did all that at my current weight that I abhor so deeply. So, take that, Jim Lewis.
And, in the spirit of Thanksgiving... I am thankful for my body. At any weight. And I'm thankful for everyone's support with my continued journey. I'm taking it back. Because I have a lot more that I need to do, and I can't do it if I'm constantly at war with my body. This will be the last time I weigh myself. Because it can't be about that anymore. My goals are now going to be not weight related, but about truly taking care of myself. About eating well and moving around and getting my heart rate up and feeling the same excitement I felt three months ago. And I'm thankful for my renewed motivation.
Soooo, Happy Thanksgiving!!! From this happy home to yours.As always, let's keep doing this.
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